Broken Dolly

Sometimes we fall in love. Then we fall out of it. After my first torrid love affair (at 22) I became pregnant. Believing in Love I married the man. We had another baby. Now those babies are 6 and 9 years old, and I have been discarded. My kids and I miss eachother, but there is no love anymore from any other direction.

It wasn't fair, but I shouldn't be surprised about that. I was never told that life is fair, or that people are just. Still, one FEELS. I wish to forgive my ex-spouse for the harms he heaped on me because I need to move forward, love myself again.

I drew this purely for therapy. I need to express my horror at being thrown away and excluded from my little family. I bore my children under my heart. I made them with my body. My uses continued after their birth, but my man wanted new toys and got sick of the sight of this one. And so I was run out....

Someday I'll find the person who makes me feel like a goddess rather than a sack of trash. Someday I'll find a man who thinks I'm good enough to fuck AND take out on dates. All I care about is not being a dolly anymore, and NOT BEING BROKEN.

Back in the game

I haven't been to a long-pose figure drawing studio in quite some time! 9 months to be precise, when I gave up my own studio. Running the thing kinda took the fun out of it. After my hiatus it feels wonderful to focus on a long pose. I felt kind of rusty I admit! I had fun, and that's the whole point of playing. 

This model is one of my favourites for her quiet confidence :)

Free as a F@cking bird

It's been a very long time since I posted for a simple reason: my husband of over 9 years ran me out of my home with a weapon, and I am homeless now. I am enjoying the homelessness because of the newfound sense of complete freedom. I am like a cat, and happily found kind people who have taken me in and are feeding me and making sure I have a place to shower and clean my clothes.

I have been away from my "stuff" for six weeks now. I am loathe to retreive most of it. I miss my art supplies, and that's about all. Now I understand how possesions weigh us down and trap us.

I drew this two days ago after an amazing acid trip: Seed of Life is aptly named. And I realized my own freedom, and that I am my own best friend.

I can fly

I am a predator

Feast of Fools

unfinished but fun :)

Here are two drawings I worked on while on my little holiday at Motion Notion music festival, just outside of Drayton Valley here in gorgeous Alberta. I had the time of my life :) Being able to dress up and dance all night is a mind-expanding experience. Seeing community form in a matter of hours and sustaining a group of like-minded individuals is healing. Being complimented on my artwork and costumes didn't hurt either!

I recommend that we all dress up and put on costumes from time to time. You can only really find yourself by being someone else now and then. It's refreshing :)

Passers-by at Motion Notion

Graphite-ophile

I've been trying my hand at painting lately (that's why the radio silence all week). I need a break from it though, need to get into something that is my natural language. Ahhh, Graphite. How do I love thee? Firstly, Graphite, you are Erasable. So I can make mistakes :) Secondly, Graphite, you are Shiny. I love that. So I make shiny characters with you. Also you are grey and somber, Graphite, so I can make sad gloomy scary pictures with you too.

I've been drawing since I was 2 with graphite! No wonder I need to break away from it sometimes! 

I hope you like this drawing.... having fun with building my self-confidence, as usual :)

"been down so long it looks like Up to me"

Sometimes, I feel low. I do not like the edgy, dark whorls of panic and anxiety that bubble up at times. How could they not, though? Being an artist is serious shit. You give give give of yourself and rarely ask for anything back. You hope that people will enjoy what you do but rarely enjoy it yourself. And you worry about the next meal, the next pint, the next pad of paper.
Sometimes, people get you down. Sometimes you feel like putting your head down and just giving the fuck up. Of course, I cannot do that. I got two kids and a job and people to see and shit to do. No time for lying down and crying. So I drew this at work yesterday, and felt a TINY bit better. Like I'd had a cry.
I came home to some unpleasantness, which happens from time to time.... and all I could say was "that's life." I had already done my drawing, and could not get upset.
Not all my art is nice, not all is pretty.

"The First Unicorn" or ~"CREDO: I believe!"

Unicorn #1~India Ink

I believe in magic again. I do. Since I started REALLY drawing again three years ago I've gotten back in touch with my inner child. I had a wonderful childhood, filled with memories of drawing and scampering around rivers and more drawing and more rivers.

Many months ago now, I was looking at some of the drawings I had taken down in gesture drawing, and was struck by the confidence of the model. She is the kind of model that makes the room just drop away. We don't exist. We artists on the periphery are lucky we get to be there and observe, but I sense that modelling time is her time to build confidence and strength. It shines out of the markings.

I was also thinking of my confident, beautiful friend. She is a "unicorn:" a beautiful, single woman in the swinger lifestyle. She has taught me so much about self-esteem, sensuality, and how to get in touch with your emotions, good and bad ones, and face them. It's not all we talk about; as artists, our conversations roam everywhere, but it comes up, naturally. Now, when I feel crummy and ugly and old I stop for a minute and think "hmmmm... why am I thinking that?" And suddenly ugly and old doesn't even matter.

This Unicorn is an homage to all beautiful, mythical things that we never think will appear in our lives, but certainly do. I think it's time we all allowed a bit MORE mythology into our lives. Yeah yeah the Enlightenment was fun for some people, but we lost our Inner Child as a species.... all Order with no heart led to the Third Reich, after all. We can step back from our cold, calculated greed. We just inherited it; that doesn't mean we have to keep it. I say bring on the magic, bring in the myth. Let me sacrifice a dove to Venus today on an altar, please. I want to experience May Day the way May Day was meant to be experienced. Where is our Feast of Fools?

All I can offer you is this: a unicorn that knows no shame. 

Unicorn #2 ~pencil crayon

My Unicorn promotes herself well: this is her on the cover of Rolling Thunder Quarterly. Such a singular honour to have my drawing chosen to represent the spirit of written words. Seeing my work on a book cover was a fulfillment of a life-long dream. At 32. So, now that's in the bag, off to bigger things....